Sometimes we get stuck in a situation that we don’t like. There may be lots of issues involved, whether it’s a relationship, or a job or something other circumstance that causes us stress. What can happen is constant thoughts about what to do, which can often take the form of:
Do I stay or do I go?
Round and round we go in our heads, trying to weigh up the options and we get stuck because there is no clear answer, no felt sense of what the right next step is.
So what to do?
First, it’s important to understand the role of our thoughts. Our minds create thoughts for specific reasons – either to generate feelings (thoughts lead to feelings, which in turn, usually lead to behaviour) or in reverse, to MANAGE feelings. We can often try to ‘think our feelings away’. To use an example, say we have resentment about something, we may think of things we are grateful for to change the feeling – e.g. “oh I really don’t like [insert your situation here], but I have a lot to be grateful for so I can’t complain”.
This is not a bad strategy and can be very useful, to change our emotions with different thoughts. However, when we get stuck in the ‘do I stay or do I go’ scenario this strategy generally tends to fail because that thinking, generally speaking, doesn’t resolve the feeling.
So what to do?
The important first step is to realise that it is your FEELINGS that are the primary problem. Yes, I acknowledge the situation is difficult, but you have to see that it is the way the situation is making you FEEL that is causing the distress. So, in that sense, you must first:
Resolve or reduce your internal distress before you make a choice about what to do.
I’m not saying you can’t leave if you want to, but as a general rule of thumb, leaving will bring with it a whole host of other challenges that you have to be ready to face, with their own level of distress. So you need to be prepared to tackle that path, and you will be disappointed that it wasn’t the answer you were seeking (because it caused a new set of stressors) unless you first tackle your distress management.
How then, to manage distress?
There are a variety of proactive and life affirming ways to learn to manage distress (there are also harmful strategies that seem to help short term but only cause long term harm, such as avoidance and substance abuse). You can look into what painful beliefs are triggered by your situation and manage those differently. You can use movement – walks in nature are very good or other types of movement that suit you. You can learn breathing techniques to increase your distress tolerance. You can talk to a good friend or a therapist about your feelings and uncover your values to help guide your choices. You can journal how you feel and become clear about exactly what it is about the scenario that is bothering you. You can make sure you are getting good sleep, and eating right to bring your whole system into balance. Maybe there is some problem solving that you can do in your situation to reduce the felt stress. Maybe you can learn new skills to assist you in managing the situation – for example communication skills, or find a mentor to help manage your scenario.
The proactive ways of managing/tolerating/reducing distress are many and varied. You will have your own, or can discover your own, that work for you in your situation.
So, before making a decision on whether to stay or go, see if you can’t do things to manage, or tolerate, or even reduce, your distress, and if you can do that, then you are in a better place to evaluate your position and make a choice about what to do next.
I wish you all the best in your decision making.
Bronwyn